


i'm better (but its hard without you)

by Cottonness



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Future Fic, Hurt/Comfort, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun-centric, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Non AU, its fluffy towards the end i swear, johnny's sunflower tattoo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:00:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25763305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cottonness/pseuds/Cottonness
Summary: And yet, amidst the pain, seeing how loved Johnny was made Jaehyun choke up. How beautiful he looked as he bit onto his lip and choked on his tears. He knew how difficult it was for him to be so expressive, to be vulnerable without his outgoing and positive facade, but seeing Johnny sob, Jaehyun felt every single emotion Johnny was feeling.He knew, that he would never be able to not love the man.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 23
Kudos: 147





	i'm better (but its hard without you)

**Author's Note:**

> So it started with me tweeting about a future canon based off of Eric Nam's "Lose You" a couple weeks ago, and now we're here. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Title is from "This Is Not A Love Song" by Eric Nam!

“You can’t be serious.”

Jaehyun stares at Johnny, who stands in front of him. The taller man refuses to look up, his hands balled into fists at the side of his large frame. He slowly shakes his head, his long bangs shaking along with the movement. Jaehyun can’t see his face, what kind of facial expression he has, his hooded eyes facing the ground.

“John, we’ve been together for two years. Behind the camera, the management, even some of the members for fuck’s sake. We went through hell, went through everything, and now? Now you want to call it quits?” Jaehyun can’t help but let out an incredulous laugh, a sound which rings too loudly between them.

Johnny continues to stand there, his eyes plastered to the ground, lips pressed in a thin, tight line.

“Well, say something won’t you?” Jaehyun can’t help the bite in his voice. But he knows, and he knows that Johnny knows, the bitterness in his tone only exists as an attempt to hide the tremor in his voice.

Johnny takes a deep breath — or a sigh, Jaehyun doesn’t know which. He watches as the older man unclenches his fingers and wrings them together before taking a deep breath, his chest heaving with the movement.

“You, I — we both have too much to lose. You know this, Jaehyun.” Jaehyun can’t help but scoff - he hates it, hates how controlled he sounds. “You have so many more opportunities coming your way, and we can’t let us — _I_ can’t let me get in the way. For both of us.” Johnny continues, his voice levelled, and Jaehyun can’t help but grimace at how carefully he was choosing his words.

“What do you even mean? That you, I can’t get in the way? Get in the way of what?” There were a million questions yelling to be answered in Jaehyun’s mind, demanding for answers that he knew he wasn’t going to be satisfied with. Demanding for all of this to be fake. Pleading, begging for Johnny to drop the act, laugh and tell him it was merely a joke. “Johnny, we’ve had our ups and downs, but we always found ways to overcome all of it, we always had —”

“Yes, we did, we always found ways to overcome it, even if that meant for the sake of your or my freedom. But how can you be sure that we’ll find ways in the future, Jaehyun? If we continue this, we won’t be able to get away with it at all times, and this isn’t just about us, Jaehyun. This is for the both of us, our team—”

“Do you love me? Did you ever love me?”

Jaehyun can’t stop the words from leaving his mouth, tumbling out before he is able to stop them.

Johnny stops talking, eyes widening in shock and surprise. He opens his mouth once more, before abruptly closing it, lips turning into thin, straight line. Jaehyun feels the hot ugliness erupt in his chest, a lump forming in his throat, the tears threatening to spill at any time.

“Of course I love you. I love you — I’ll do anything for you. That’s why I have to lose you.” Johnny says, almost pleadingly. “To let you go, because I can’t, for the sake of you and me, bind you to myself. I have to let go, because if we are meant to be together, we’ll end up together. But now? I have to lose you.”

For the first time since they began the conversation, Jaehyun hears hurt in his lover’s voice. Jaehyun doesn’t understand, doesn’t want to understand either, what Johnny was saying. He shakes his head, the tears trailing down his cheeks as he bites down onto his lower lip.

From his tear blurred vision, he sees Johnny, his face twisted in pain, eyebrows furrowed and eyes scrunched shut. His best friend. His soulmate.The love of his life.

❝ ❞

It’s not easy, Jaehyun thinks.

It’s difficult. Probably one of the most difficult things he’s ever had to do in his whole life. And Jaehyun had to go through a whole load of shit in his life.

And yet, he finds trying to be “normal” with Johnny the most difficult thing he has ever done in his life.

It’s worse, because Johnny being Johnny, ever so considerate and gentle, treats Jaehyun with care and respect, yet enough space for Jaehyun to feel isolated and suffocated at the same time.

They knew it wouldn’t be easy to go back to when they weren’t together, because all Jaehyun can remember is him desperately chasing after Johnny. Loving Johnny, and Johnny loving him back. He always knew he was special - the love and affection, the warmth Johnny showered him was different. And Jaehyun had preened under the affection he and only him was given.

Now, it was all gone.

It was so evident now, how much Johnny had become a part of him, and with his whole entire being, he ached for Johnny. Jaehyun always sought himself as independent and good at controlling himself, his emotions, and played the role he was given to the best of his abilities. And yet, here he was, nails digging into his palms as he watched his former lover fling his long limbs in the air, laughing with the other members.

Johnny was bright. If there was one word Jaehyun would have chosen to describe Johnny, it would have been that. He was bright, bursting with energy and mirth, positive and warm.

But if Jaehyun was going to choose one word to describe John, it would have been “comfort”. John, not Johnny, was comforting. Jaehyun’s source of solace. By his side, Jaehyun didn’t need to worry, he didn’t need to feel afraid. Johnny was always there right next to him, ready to hold him when Jaehyun fell back. Always willing to listen to Jaehyun, even to his small and pathetic worries and insecurities, Johnny was there for him with his arms wide open. John was the one who allowed Jaehyun to accept who he truly was, without ever feeling discriminated against or alone.

Jaehyun watched Johnny, laughing and jumping up and down with the silly bonnet they had made earlier for the Easter’s Parade. Everyone knew how excited Johnny was for the tour, to be back in the States, but most of all, to be able to go back to his hometown. And Jaehyun was more than happy for him - he had heard hours and hours worth of stories about Chicago from Johnny, and had always wondered what kind of place his beloved hometown was like. He only wished they were here under better circumstances.

It wasn’t easy to mask the pain nor the anger. Jaehyun tried, tried to be reasonable and to be understanding, but how was he supposed to be understanding when he truly didn’t understand why Johnny broke things off?

He said he still loved him. And that hurt Jaehyun more than he wanted to admit. It would have been better, a lot easier if Johnny would’ve told him that he hated Jaehyun, that he had fallen out of love with him. It honestly would have been a hell of a lot easier if Jaehyun could hate him, to ignore him and refuse to see him ever again. But he couldn’t - even if Johnny’s smiles were no longer directed at him, Jaehyun felt his heart and his lips tug into a smile at the sight of the elder having fun, looking happy and glowing wherever he was.

“It’ll take some time, but you guys will be okay. We’re talking about you and Johnny, Jaehyun. You guys will sort it through. It’ll heal.” Taeyong had told him, after he found Jaehyun, a crying mess in the hallway one night. It was not one of Jaehyun’s proudest moments, and while he was glad it was Taeyong who found him and not any of the younger members, he felt embarrassed being seen in one of his most vulnerable states.

While there was nothing wrong with being vulnerable or showcasing emotions publicly, Jaehyun had always found it hard to express his emotions, whether this was through affections, words, or actions. Johnny had understood that, and accepted Jaehyun as a whole - whether it took him hours and hours to explain what was on his mind during one of his moods, Johnny was there, ready for him to open up.

Taeyong was surprised, without doubt, to see Jaehyun out of all the people, crying his eyes out. Taeyong’s attempts to comfort Jaehyun were appreciated, and while Jaehyun listened and understood what Taeyong was trying to tell him, the very core of him refused to accept what the elder said.

He _didn’t_ want to heal. Not now, not in the near future. Not ever.

Because if he did heal, what part of Johnny was Jaehyun going to have left with him?

❝ ❞

Jaehyun watched, partially in awe, partially dumbstruck by the scene in front of him.

He watched intently, observing every detail of his face, drinking each small whimper and cry.

They were in Chicago. It was the night of their Chicago concert for their Neo City Tour. They were finally back in Johnny’s hometown. Jaehyun had learned to love the thrill and excitement of being on stage, to watch the thousands of neon green lightsticks move according to the beat of their songs, to hear the cries, yells, and voices of countless people. Yet, there was something different for all the members today; Jaehyun felt a rush of nervousness and adrenaline run through his veins, his heart thumping so loudly as he set foot on the stage. They were finally here. Johnny’s home. The stage the whole team had wished and hoped to stand on for ages, from way even before their debut. Hearing all the people in the venue chanting Johnny’s name, watching the dearly loved man crying in front of all of their fans, his friends and family, Jaehyun could only gaze.

The tall and usually confident man, the man who jokingly said his weakness was how positive he was, had tears rolling down his face as his broad shoulders shook, his cries resonating through the whole venue. Jaehyun stood directly in front of Johnny, absorbing every feature and movement of the man who had taught him to love and be loved.

He wished, wished he could sweep him away, to hug him and let him know how loved he was. How he was treasured, loved, respected, no matter who said what. That Jaehyun was always there for him, as Johnny had been for him all the time.

Jaehyun couldn’t help but wish it was only him and Johnny sharing this moment, where he was the only one exposed to the vulnerable side of Johnny that he was barely able to see, even when the two were together. Johnny was always the rock - the sturdy and firm back bone of their group, the one who knew how to let everyone at ease.

Having had to leave Johnny at his childhood home the night before tugged at Jaehyun’s heart more than he liked to admit, and hearing the stories of the elder bringing Doyoung and Mark to Target and visiting his old high school, Jaehyun couldn’t help but feel jealous. Because it should have been _him_ , it should have been him sitting in the passenger seat of Johnny’s car, his large hand encompassing his thigh. It should have been him, laughing at the dumb stuff Mark said, agreeing for frozen yogurt, laughing as Johnny sped away in his car, leaving the rest of them to scramble for their dear lives. It should have been him - lying down on Johnny’s bed, squeezing their too-large bodies together, cuddling so close that they giggled until they fell asleep in each other's arms. It should have been him, flipping through Johnny’s childhood photos and cooing at how cute he was with the elder’s mother and father. It should have been Jaehyun.

Seeing Johnny with tears falling down his cheeks with no way to stop them was something Jaehyun was not used to, and not being able to hold him, to not be able to simply have his warmth and weight fall onto his, tore Jaehyun’s heart into a millions shreds.

And yet, amidst the pain, seeing how loved Johnny was made Jaehyun choke up. How beautiful he looked as he bit onto his lip and choked on his tears. He knew how difficult it was for him to be so expressive, to be vulnerable without his outgoing and positive facade, but seeing Johnny sob, Jaehyun felt every single emotion Johnny was feeling.

He knew, that he would never be able to not love the man.

❝ ❞

Jaehyun sees Johnny through the screen.

He looks good, happy. He’s radiant - he can tell that much even if it’s over the screen. He’s gaining attention and the recognition he had always deserved.

Jaehyun stares outside the window of the car. He has a photoshoot after this, and then he has to head back to the company to practise for a special stage. He’s busy, which is good; he can keep his mind off the elder who isn’t even in the same country as him.

He’s far away, farther than Jaehyun could have ever imagined.

It’s not like they have zero contact - they still talk in the group chat or Johnny will send him some encouraging messages when he hears that Jaehyun has a new project. Jaehyun also tries to stay updated with whatever Johnny does. Afterall, it’s Johnny and Jaehyun. Youngho and Yoonoh.

But there’s an obvious distance between the two; there’s a tension, a sense of awkwardness. Jaehyun hates it. He hates it even more, because he thinks Johnny is more at ease when he’s with the other members.

He doesn’t like thinking about what Johnny laughs at. What makes Johnny smile.

He just hopes, prays, that a part of him still exists in Johnny.

❝ ❞

Jaehyun felt like he hadn’t seen Johnny in forever. Being in the same room brought a wave of nostalgia, hurt, comfort, and most of all, the longing he still had for Johnny that he wished he had managed to get rid of already.

It didn’t help that Johnny looked beautiful per usual - he was conscious of taking care of his own body, and per usual, dressed in the way that made him look like he was walking down the runway. The way the sides of his eyes crinkled when he laughed, how he bit down on his lip with round eyes when he was surprised or confused, the way he laughed with his whole body. Everything about Johnny was too familiar, and Jaehyun almost wished the elder man had become a completely different person.

He felt pathetic more than he had ever felt in the past year; he had stubbornly held onto his feelings for Johnny, hoping and praying for him to come back to him someday. For him to take Jaehyun back, and let himself unmask from who he always portrayed to be in the public. Johnny was good at showing who he wanted to be in front of people, and Jaehyun had admired that - it was something he rather had troubles with, leading him to finding it difficult to disclose his emotions or interact with people because he didn’t know how to communicate what he was thinking or feeling without stopping himself from showing everything. On the other hand, Johnny was good at choosing what to show and what not to; he watched people intently, figuring out what he should say. While that part of Johnny made Jaehyun thank him for his considerate personality, he also knew that there was another person behind that, who wanted to sit back and drink in the silence of solace in comfort. Jaehyun had been the one to give him that, and there was nothing more Jaehyun had prided himself in while they were together. He was Johnny’s “haven”, as the elder liked to say while looking at him with his warm eyes that Jaehyun wanted to get lost in them forever.

Jaehyun watched Johnny, his animated features, the way he nodded along as he listened to whoever was speaking, giving small smiles when a member spoke up. Johnny was always supportive of anyone and everyone, and Jaehyun wondered if he would react the same way for Jaehyun as well.

“Jaehyun-ah,”

Jaehyun felt himself tense as he heard the voice he had heard over and over on repeat in his mind for the past two years. He slowly turned to face the man who he wanted to desperately see and at the same time, the person who made him want to run away from him right this second.

“...Johnny hyung.”

The elder man smiled at Jaehyun, the same smile he always directed at anyone. His eyes, the eyes that Jaehyun had once found a home in, gazed at him with the same warmness he was given two years ago, and Jaehyun wanted to cry right there and then.

“I haven’t seen you in a while. Walk with me?” Johnny gestured for Jaehyun to come besides him, and while every sane voice in his mind was telling him to say no, make a dumb excuse and run the fuck out, Jaehyun was a weak man. The large emptiness that was previously occupied by Johnny had refused to go away, and was crying for it to be filled once again.

They walked in silence for a while. Jaehyun wanted to laugh at himself for finding himself relaxed than he ever had been in the past couple of months next to Johnny. There was something about the elder that allowed Jaehyun to feel himself, the weight off of his shoulders. Johnny was humming to a song Jaehyun also knew - a song that Jaehyun secretly hoped that Johnny liked too.

“You’ve been busy.” Johnny broke the silence, his voice even and lighthearted. Jaehyun managed a small smile as he watched his feet.

“I have. You too, though. I’m sorry I couldn’t go to your photography exhibit.” Jaehyun said, the words coming out a lot more naturally than he had expected. He did actually feel terrible about not being able to make it Johnny’s first ever exhibit, mostly due to his work schedule, but also because a large part of him was scared to see what Johnny was presenting.

Johnny always said he liked taking pictures of things that were beautiful - unplanned and natural. Something that came out of the moment. Jaehyun couldn’t recall the number of times he was suddenly facing Johnny’s camera, the shutter taking off less than a second after.

Johnny chuckled, shaking his head. “Don’t be, I know you’re busy. And, you sent the flowers and coffee. That’s more than enough.” Johnny’s voice was warm, and Jaehyun felt his heart ache with want. “Thank you, Jaehyun-ah. The sunflowers. They were beautiful.”

Jaehyun shook his head, facing the ground. For a long time, sunflowers always reminded Jaehyun of Johnny. They were tall, bright, and radiant. They always faced the sun, a symbol of positivity just like Johnny.

Jaehyun still remembers the day when Johnny got the tattoo - he came home with a small mischievous smirk on his face, as he showed the small flower on his left arm.

The members asked why he got a tattoo of a sunflower, to which Johnny smiled and explained because the flower was always looking up at the sun and was a positive symbol. It was a reminder for him to stay positive no matter what, for him to keep the happy image of himself. A part of Jaehyun admired the tattoo and how beautiful it was, how much it suited the bright man he loved, but another part of him wanted to hold his face in his hands and tell him it was okay to not always be happy.

He admired Johnny and his positive attitude, but also had learned to cherish and treasure the soft and warm man who was a little lazy and liked to romanticise the rain. The man who always tries hard to be happy, to make everyone smile even when he was not as extroverted as he portrayed himself to be.

Jaehyun remembers the Greek myth behind the sunflower - something about a nymph being turned into a sunflower so she could face the sun after her heart was broken by the god of Sun, Apollo. Jaehyun remembers tearing up upon reading the myth, because his heart yearned for the elder man who had his whole heart, and he was stuck where he was, watching after the man who shone brighter than anyone else.

“—Jaehyun? Are you with me here?”

Jaehyun was brought back to the present, and jumped back when he realised how close Johnny’s face was. The taller man was leaning in, his eyebrows furrowed with a look of worry on his face.

Jaehyun felt the tips of his ears turn hot and cursed at his ears for constantly betraying his cool demeanour that he had been trying to play in front of Johnny. “I’m alright, just thinking. Yeah, thinking.” Jaehyun mumbled.

Johnny cocked one eyebrow but nodded his head, leaving the younger and his internal turmoil alone. Jaehyun was thankful, but something inside him was telling him if it were before, Johnny would have bugged him to tell what was on his mind. But now, Johnny was already pulling back with only a mere pat on the younger’s back.

“I know you’ve been busy,” Johnny, started slowly. Jahyun knew this tone too well - he was going to say something about being worried about Jaehyun’s wellbeing. “But I want you to remember to let yourself go a little.” Johnny finished, his tone careful and paced.

Jaehyun found himself cocking his head to the side as he questioningly stared at the taller man, who looked down at him with a small smile. “I mean, I want you to know it’s okay to sit back at times. Your positivity and motivation towards everything is awesome, but it’s okay to sit back and just let everything go by sometimes, Jaehyun. We all know you’re doing your very best, and only striving to do better. The fans all know that and they love that about you.”

It was almost amusing to Jaehyun, how anything the elder told him seemed to have a magical effect on him. He immediately noticed how tense his shoulders were, and the constant drowsiness he had almost grown numb to washed over him, making him realise how tired and exhausted he was. He was always working, one thing after another, only having time to sit back and relax at the end of each day, when he finally got home after the clock had struck midnight.

Jaehyun liked how independent he was - he liked knowing that he had control over his emotions and thoughts, and it was difficult for him to open up about his inner conflicts with others. But Johnny had made it so easy, made it so easy for Jaehyun to plop down next to Johnny when he was in one of his moods, to let everything out because he knew Johnny would sit next to him and just listen. No judgements, no mocking or teasing, but would listen carefully and intently, waiting for Jaehyun to finish.

Johnny patted Jaehyun's shoulder, offering him a small smile that Jaehyun felt inclined to give back. _No_ , a voice inside his brain yelled, _no, I want you to listen, to ask me if I want to talk_. But Johnny was already talking about something else, and Jaehyun swallowed his words, the lump in his throat larger than ever.

❝ ❞

“Are you and Johnny hyung done being awkward around each other?”

Jaehyun’s head shot up from his half eaten plate of salad to stare quizzically at Doyoung, who sat in front of him with an exasperated expression on his face.

“What?” Jaehyun finally managed, after almost biting down on his tongue and drinking half of his water. Doyoung sighed, shoulders slumping for extra effect as he rubbed his temples.

“It’s been way too long for both of you to be keeping this shit up, Jaehyun-ah. I know you guys had a shitty breakup, but you can’t be being awkward with each other, it's been 2 years!”

“Announce it to the whole world, will you?” Jaehyun muttered as he pushed the remaining leaves around his plate. Why did he order salad, anyway? An overpriced, boring plate of leaves and Doyoung’s endless nagging was never a good combination.

Doyoung sighed once more, and Jaehyun closed his eyes to keep them from obviously rolling his eyes. Doyoung realised Jaehyun and Johnny’s relationship before the others, partially because Doyoung was forced to share the same car as the couple on the way to and back from enana, and also because Doyoung had caught Johnny and Jaehyun coming out of the shower far too many times for it to be a coincidence. While he was always a lot more paranoid of their relationship being leaked or caught by their eagle eyed fans, he was more than happy to see his two beloved members being so enamoured by one another.

“I’m serious, Jaehyun. I know you’re still bitter about Johnny hyung—”

“I’m not,” Jaehyun said, interrupting Doyoung. Doyoung knit his eyebrows together, putting his fork down quietly. “I’m not bitter at him, hyung. I mean yeah, I was pissed at him at the start, but I’m not bitter. I can’t be— I just, I just don’t know why. He never gave a proper reason, and it’s so—” Jaehyun dropped his fork, frustrated, at Johnny for making him feel like this, Doyoung for bringing it up, and mostly at his own self for not being able to move on.

“I don’t want to move on, hyung. I can’t, andI don’t want to. He never gave me a reason - never gave me the closure I need. And I don’t want it,” Jaehyun took in a shaky breath, his mouth growing dry even after he gulped down most of his water a couple seconds ago. “I don’t want it, because I don’t want to think he can let go of me.”

He hears Doyoung taking in a sharp breath, and Jaehyun feels the back of his nose burn and the rim of his eyes well with hotness. _I can’t cry_ , he tells himself as he takes another shaky breath. The last time Jaehyun cried was in front of Taeyong after he had broken up with Johnny, and since then, Jaehyun had not allowed himself to cry. If he cried, he wouldn’t be able to stop it, wouldn’t be able to control his emotions anymore.

“...Jaehyun-ah,” Doyoung starts, his voice low and laced with worry. Jaehyun keeps his eyes on his plate, trying to ignore how blurred everything looks. “He did it because he thinks he’s not enough for you.”

It takes a second for Jaehyun to register Doyoung’s words in his head.

“ _What_?”

Jaehyun’s voice is merely a whisper, couldn’t have been heard if Doyoung wasn’t watching Jaehyun’s every movement. The tears the younger was trying to conceal was evident in his misty eyes, and the redness of his lower lips indicated how much he was biting down on them to keep from crying out.

“Hyung, I don’t even know, just always wants to protect you, Mark, Haechannie, god even Taeil hyung. He wants to be this person who is ‘him’, but at the same time… someone who he wants to be seen as.” Doyoung said, shaking his head. Jaehyun was confused, his mind racing, eyes bulging as he stared at Doyoung.

“He wanted to be someone who you could rely on, someone who you could always come to.” Jaehyun opened his mouth to protest, but Doyoung quickly stopped him, shaking his head. “I know you saw him like that, and he is still like that to you. But for him, it’s not about what you or I think of, it’s who he wants to be.”

Doyoung chuckled a bit, shaking his head from side to side. “Remember how you said he was a little prideful? And hyung blatantly refused to acknowledge that, he was even a little annoyed at you. But he is, it’s true, isn’t it? It’s not a bad thing, but he has this certain image of himself that he wants to retain and when he realises he can’t, he just— he thinks he loses a part of himself. Back then, there was so much at stake, with the comeback and the tour, he thought he needed to be better, for himself, the group, and for you. So he thought his best option was to let you go.”

Jaehyun felt all his strength leave his body, as his arms fell from the table to his sides, dangling a little. His mouth was open in shock, awe, anger, frustration, he wasn’t even sure anymore. For sure, he didn’t have any control over his emotions as the only thing he was able to do was stare at Doyoung in front of him. He felt shivers go down his spine, and his heart pounded loudly in his own ears. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing - what he had missed for all these years.

Doyoung quickly read the shock and bewilderment in Jaehyun’s expression as he opened his mouth once more. “He had to lose you, Jaehyun. He said to me once, when he was shitfaced by the way, that one day when he’s ‘better’ he’ll seek out to you again. One day, when he knows that he can be the person you can rely on again, he’ll come find you. And I think he really meant that, Jaehyun-ah.”

While Jaehyun was hearing Doyoung’s soft voice, his mind was still running wild. It made sense, how Johnny didn’t ask Jaehyun for more, didn’t prod him to speak what was on his mind anymore, but at the same time, _nothing made sense._

“I never— I never asked him to be like that, I never felt—,” Jaehyun stumbled over his words. He wasn’t even sure what he was trying to say or who he was speaking to, everything and nothing made sense to him anymore.

Doyoung reached out to hold one of Jaehyun’s limp arms, as he sighed once more. “I know, Jaehyun. But it’s not about you, it’s about him and his pride. Out of all people, you know this. After all, you’re the only person who’s not scared of him to say shit like that to his face.”

Jaehyun nods dumbly and watches how Doyoung pats his hand. Nothing makes sense, though. He doesn’t understand. He really, really fucking doesn’t.

❝ ❞

By the time Jaehyun had enough time to process what Doyoung told him over lunch, he’s furious. First he went through the stages of confusion and shock, and by the time he got over that he was sad and felt like his heart was crumpling and then he entered the Anger stage.

_What the fuck?_

Jaehyun didn’t need to be protected, he didn’t ask for Johnny to be anyone else. Sure, he had watched Johnny through his stages of a trainee to debut, and he had seen him change and evolve as a human being, which only added on to the attraction and fondness he had for him. He had grown to love the spirit of who John Suh was, his endless positivity and romantic, sappy ass. He loved watching how energetic he was, how he liked making others have fun. But Jaehyun loved who he was truly as much as he loved the persona he had on camera - Johnny who was a little lazy and liked his peace and quiet. Johnny, who had his own worries and anxieties which kept him up at night. Jaehyun had learned to love everything about him.

And yet, now he had to learn from Doyoung for fuck’s sake, that he wanted to be ‘better’ for himself, for the group and for Jaehyun. Jaehyun never asked for Johnny to be ‘better’, Jaehyun loved Johnny as a whole and he wanted to be there by his side at all times. He didn’t ask for him to be better for him.

Jaehyun cursed under his breath as he rapped his fingers on the steering wheel - he hated traffic normally, and he hated it even more today. He needed to get to the asshole’s house, shout at him, before Johnny was going to leave for America. He hated that too - how easy it seemed for Johnny, to leave Jaehyun in Korea while he soared through the world without a care in the world.

As soon as the car in front of him began to move, Jaehyun had to fight the instinct to honk. The cars began to move into gear slowly, as Jaehyun grit his teeth, pushing down on the pedal as soon as there was enough distance for him to steer through.

Jaehyun knew Johnny had an apartment in Korea, somewhere he was too afraid to visit. He didn’t want to know what kind of space the elder lived in, slept in, and breathed in. He didn’t want to know if Johnny had decorated his new home the way he told Jaehyun he was going to, if they were ever going to live together. He didn’t want to know in the case he decorated it completely differently.

But now, Jaehyun was too pent up with anger and frustration that he didn’t even care how the hell Johnny had chosen to decorate his living space - he needed to get into his apartment, yell at him, and he needed… something. He wasn’t sure what response he wanted or expected from the elder which was adding onto his anger, but he needed _something_.

Jaehyun tapped his foot on the ground as he impatiently watched the numbers on the elevator light up one by one. Johnny was obviously flustered and surprised when the younger suddenly appeared, unannounced on his intercom. But Jaehyun had stood there silently, waiting for the elder to let him into his building. He could imagine Johnny pacing around his apartment, probably wearing some expensive designer sweatpants that Jaehyun had scoffed at him for before, trying to figure out why the hell Jaehyun was at his door.

As the elevator came to a halt, Jaehyun zoomed past the other doors and stopped at Johnny’s apartment. He was about to press the buzzer, when the door opened from the other side, coming face to face with a very puzzled Johnny.

“Jaehyun? What’s wrong, did something—”

Before the elder finished his sentence, Jaehyun pushed through into the room, making Johnny close the door behind him.

“Jaehyun, can you please tell me what’s going on—”

“I never asked.”

Jaehyun interrupted Johnny, who stopped talking, his eyebrow furrowed and obviously confused. Jaehyun took a deep breath before he faced the elder again, staring into his eyes.

“I’m not a child anymore. I don’t need to be protected by you, hyung. I didn’t— I never asked you to change.” There was a slight tremor to his voice, and Jaehyun himself didn’t know whether it was the anger or the hurt he had been trying to conceal in front of the elder for too long.

Johnny’s jaw stiffened, as he gulped. Jaehyun watched how his Adam's apple bobbed, how he stretched his fingers before curling them into fists at the side of his body. He took a deep breath, opened his mouth and closed it again, before he began to speak again.

“Jaehyun, I know I wasn’t fair to you with how I ended things but—”

“You weren’t. And it’s worse because I didn’t even know why you broke things off until today. I didn’t know if it was me, or if someone was pressuring you. I didn’t know shit, and today after two fucking years, I know why. And I had to hear this from someone who isn’t even you, when this is specifically about us, hyung.”

Jaehyun sees Johnny cursing Doyung under his breath, but he can’t stop himself at this point. “I needed you, hyung. All this time - I needed you to tell me I’m doing great, I needed you to listen to me, to talk to me. I couldn’t— I’ve only had you. I only ever wanted to be with you, for you to be by my side. I didn’t want you to be ‘better’, I wanted to be with you so I can be there for you when you felt like shit. I wanted to do well so I could be with you but you just— had to push me away.”

The tears he had fought back so many times were on the verge of spilling as Jaehyun gasped for breath, swallowing down the cries which were at the tip of his tongue. He firmly shut his eyes to keep the tears from spilling, as he opened in his mouth once more when he heard a sob.

Jaehyun’s eyes snapped open, as in front of him stood Johnny with a hand covering his eyes, his shoulders shaking. The tall, well built physique shuddered with each sob, as his breath hitched, the tears spilling down the sides of his face. Jaehyun’s own tears were fast gone, his mouth dropping in awe.

Johnny was crying.

The last time he, or anyone he thinks, saw Johnny cry was at the Chicago concert when all Jaehyun was able to do was stand in front of the elder, entranced by how beautifully he cried, but feeling restless at not being able to hold the dear man in his own arms. And now, he stood in front of him, closer than he had been in ages, and yet too far for Jaehyun to hold him in his arms.

“I’m sorry, Jaehyun. I’m sorry.” Johnny manages between sobs. Jaehyun doesn’t know what to do, taken aback by the sight. A voice in his head tells him to yell, to scream, to cry, he doesn’t want Johnny to cry, doesn’t want him to apologise.

Jaehyun can’t help the tears that he thought were gone, as he feels his eyes burn and his vision begin to blur. It had been too long since Jaehyun had allowed for his own tears to come down his own face, the hotness felt almost foreign to him. He hadn’t let himself cry, not even when his whole body ached and longed for Johnny.

He watched Johnny, who had always been his pillar as well as the backbone to their group, cry. The tall, strong, and positive man who Jaehyun had always reached out for was letting out broken cries, shoulders shaking with each sob. They’re only standing a few metres apart - two long strides and Jaehyun can lunge himself at him, but he feels like their distance is far too much. His whole body hurts and he feels his heart crumple as it had been doing so for the past two years, and he just desperately _wants_. Wants to hold the man who stands in front of him crying, wants to tell him that he doesn’t want him to apologise. Jaehyun wants to claim Johnny who is and always has been the only being for him.

“I’m sorry Jaehyun, I’m sorry for hurting you— I didn’t know what to do, I wanted to be better for you, to be able to protect you but I couldn’t and I didn’t—”

Jaehyun shakes his head, the tears flowing out. He was hurt, he was bitter, but Jaehyun was scared as much as Johnny was and he didn’t want him to hate him. Through his tears, he watches the older man attempting to take deep breaths and Jaehyun wants to hold the man who held him when he was just a teenager, lost and nervous, and wants to tell him that he’s not like that anymore. He’s not weak, he doesn’t need to be protected by Johnny, and that he wants to be there for Johnny as much as Johnny wants to be there for him too.

His knees buckle, and Jaehyun feels lightheaded from the intense wave of tears and emotions within him, but manages to take a step forward, into the boundary he was so afraid to step into for the past two years.

It’s almost scary how Jaehyun doesn’t need to think as he had envisioned it so many times, and lets his arms surround the elder’s shaking body. The warmth he had missed so much, the scent he had yearned to the point he had copied surrounds him. Johnny tries to push him away, shaking his head as he pushes at the younger man’s chest.

“No, Jaehyun, don’t— we can’t Jae, you know this. I can’t hurt you anymore, I don’t want to—” Johnny tries to push the younger away, tries to stop the tears streaming down his face, but Jaehyun pushes back with more force.

“Stop it! Stop it - stop pushing me away, stop running away from me, I don’t— we both don’t want this. You don’t, you say you don’t want to hurt me but you are. And I don’t want to hurt, I don’t want to hurt unless it's with you.” Jaehyun’s voice breaks as he firmly grasps onto the elder’s shirt.

“I’m not weak, hyung. I’m strong, I can stand on my own two feet. I don’t need you to tell me who I can or I can’t love - I just want, need you to be by my side.”

Johnny shakes his head, and Jaehyun can’t help but feel the frustration pile up. He knew the elder was stubborn, prideful, and while he loved every single bit of him, Jaehyun was not going to back down.

“Jaehyun, you don’t understand, you aren’t weak. God, you’re stronger than anyone else. You can— you can saunter out of here exactly as you are and the world will be your stage. But me? I’m— I’m not.” Johnny’s voice was barely audible, and Jaehyun stares at the man who always had his back, always smiled at him with confidence oozing from his entire being, looking so small and broken in his own arms.

Johnny lets out a small laugh as he sees the dumbfounded expression on the younger’s face. Jaehyun winces at the sound. The sound he loved so much wasn’t supposed to be so painful.

“You need to understand Jae, this isn’t about you. It never was - it was me. I’m just foolish. I wanted to protect you and be there for you, be someone who you can confide in. But you don’t need me, and I— I found myself finding it harder for me to be who I want to be in front of you.” Johnny takes a deep breath, closing his eyes. “When I said I needed to lose you for us, I meant for me, Jaehyun. And you know what makes me more of an asshole? I love you. I can’t stop myself from loving you, even when you’re so far away from me that I won’t be able to reach you. I love you, Jaehyun, and I forever will. I’m sorry.”

Jaehyun’s frozen, and he feels as if he is rooted to the spot. He looks at the tear stained face, the warm brown eyes he had found peace and love in for so long, glistening with tears.

“...You have to be kidding me.” He feels his whole body tremble - with anger? Frustration? - he doesn’t know. “I don’t need you? For the love of god, John, you think I don’t need you?” His nails are biting into the palms of his hands, and his teeth chatter as he tries to steady his breath. He grasps Johnny’s chest with even more strength, forcing the taller man to look at him.

“I have needed you, and will forever need you. Not because I’m fucking, stupidly in love with you, but because you are mine. You are a part of me, even when we haven’t been together these past two years. You have been with me from the start, and there is no fucking day you have left my mind. You are a part of me, whether you like it or not, and you will always be.”

“You, are mine.”

Jaehyun punctuates each word, teeth gritting and the tears on the verge of spilling again. Johnny looks at him, bewildered and eyes wide in shock. Jaehyun hates it, hates himself for finding it endearing even when this man had taken his heart, his sanity, and his freedom away and refused to give it back.

Johnny’s tries to open his mouth, licking his lips before he speaks, and oh god, the lips that Jaehyun had missed so dearly, was too close. He notices Johnny trying to speak, and Jaehyun just knows he doesn’t want to hear what the elder was going to say next.

In a feverish state, Jaehyun crushes his lips onto the plump, warm lips of the elder he had been deprived of. Johnny obviously buckles at the sudden contact, tries to pull back but Jaehyun yanks the taller man closer to him with inhuman strength.

He is not weak. He won’t allow for this man to make any more excuses to run away from him.

Jaehyun parts their lips for a second, and Johnny gasps for breath, his chest and shoulders heaving. The next moment, Jaehyun lunges in again, further deepening their lips together, tongue invading the warmth he had longed for.

Their lips slot too naturally, as if they were meant to be together all this time. Jaehyun continues to lash his tongue into Johnny’s mouth, devouring him. There is no technique, Jaehyun desperately kisses the man in fervour, because he wants and wants, claiming the warmth his. He clings onto the elder and whimpers when he slowly feels the elder unclench, letting the younger ravish is mouth. Jaehyun feels his eyes sting, his lungs asking for breath, as he pulls the elder closer, closer so there isn’t anything that can get between them.

They finally part, after Johnny’s arms gently circled the younger’s waist, embracing him. Jaehyun finally lets go of his shirt, that he was holding onto with so much strength, the shirt was crumpled. Jaehyun lets out a shaky sigh, as he pushes his forehead into the elder’s neck.

_It’s him_ , he thinks. _Johnny. He’s back in my arms._

After what seems like an eternity and also merely a second at the same time, Jaehyun begins to feel his eyelids droop. He feels safe, comfortable. He’s back where he had always belonged. He feels the elder open his mouth, and Jaehyun can’t help but groan.

“Jaehyun-ah—”

“Don’t.” Jaehyun whispers into his neck. “Don’t— just. Just, please. Let me hold you.”

And Johnny closes his mouth, letting Jaehyun cling onto the elder, his arms circling the broad shoulders he had watched from afar the past two years.

He feels his hot tears seep into Johnny’s shirt and Jaehyun breathes in the scent he had missed. A part of him wants to laugh, because of course, Johnny has still been using the cologne they both had after all this time, and he finally noticed it.

“Jaehyun.”

Johnny starts again, his voice firm. Jaehyun refuses to lift his head up, nuzzling into the crook of his head, shaking it from side to side.

“Jaehyun… relax, I’m not going to say anything you don’t want to hear.” The elder chuckles at how the younger immediately tensed, and runs his hands along the muscled back. He slowly brings his mouth closer to Jaehyun’s ear, which sprang into a shade of red as Johnny breathed on them. “Let me make it up to you. Let me show you how much I missed you.” Johnny whispers into Jaehyun’s ear, his teeth grazing the soft earlobe.

Jaehyun shudders, scrambling to lift his head. Johnny smiles at him, his eyes filled with warmth and love, as he cups Jaehyun’s tear-stricken face in his hands. The tears threaten to spill once again, and Johnny giggles as Jaehyun lets out another sob, furiously nodding his head.

“I love you, Jaehyun-ah. I always have, and always will.”

❝ ❞

Jaehyun feels _happy_.

Like, heart dancing, laughter bubbling, dimples on full display happy.

He doesn’t remember the last time he had felt so happy, so satisfied (both mentally and sexually). Jaehyun stares at the ceiling, illuminated by the moonlight peeping in from the windows.

The door creaks open, and Jaehyun smiles as he hears the familiar footsteps of his beloved. The bed dips, as Johnny climbs on to the bed, shirtless and a pair of sweats hanging low on his hips. He has a bottle of water in his hand, which Jaehyun reaches out for. Johnny chuckles, as he brings the bottle to Jaehyun’s lips and helps him up to drink the cool liquid.

Once Jaehyun had enough to drink, Johnny throws the bottle onto his nightstand, and slips back into bed next to Jaehyun. Instinctively, Jaehyun curls up besides Johnny, and Johnny brings him closer.

Jaehyun feels happy.

He missed this - the silence that was never awkward between them. Their silences were comforting and always allowed Jaehyun to become who he was. Now, he knew it was the same for Johnny too.

As Johnny began humming a familiar tune, Jaehyun caught sight of Johnny’s sunflower tattoo on his left arm. He traced the small, beautiful flower which suited the elder so much.

“You know,” Johnny broke the silence as he fondly watched the younger, who was intently tracing his tattoo. “I had this small, glimmer of hope that you’ll come to my photo exhibit. And well, you told me you were busy throughout the whole time on the group chat so I thought ‘oh well’ but I was sulking. I was even sulking on the opening day and Doyoung was about to yell at me, when I was told there was a package from Jeong Jaehyun.” The older smiled at the memory.

“I couldn’t believe it, so when I opened it and found sunflowers… I almost cried. It was the opening day of my first ever photo exhibit, and I literally almost cried. Because you sent me sunflowers.” Jaehyun can’t help but giggle, as he snuggled closer into his lover’s arms.

“I’m sorry? But really, hyung, I’m sorry I couldn’t go.” Jaehyun said. Johnny shook his head, a smile on his lips. “You were busy, Jaehyun-ah. I know that.”

Jaehyun bites down on his lips as he takes a deep breath. “I was busy but… truth be told, I was scared. I wasn’t sure what you were going to be exhibiting. I kept on thinking, hyung’s going to be showing all these moments which I don’t know and wasn’t a part of. I was scared, I thought I was going to have to see a part of you that I didn’t know. I’m sorry, hyung.”

Jaehyun feels himself tense - he doesn’t know how Johnny is going to react. Johnny hums after a while, his hand going up and down Jaehyun’s back. “I get that - but there was nothing you had to worry about. Most of the photos were the photos I took of NCT, and some photos I took when I was doing solo stuff in the States. I was really surprised, I took so many photos of you. I was sorting them out and every time I saw your face I wished… but now you’re here.”

Johnny sighed contentedly as he draped his arms across the younger, breathing in his scent. Jaehyun pondered for a second before opening his mouth. “Do you know why I sent you sunflowers, hyung?”

Johnny looked at him quizzically, as he cocked his head to the side. “Isn't it because I have the tattoo?”

Jaehyun smiled, fingertips going over the small yellow flower again. “Well, yes, because you have the tattoo. But, I learnt something about the sunflower during this interview for a Japanese magazine,” Jaehyun looked up at the elder. “Apparently, in the Japanese flower language, the sunflower means ‘My eyes are only for you’.”

Jaehyun hears Johnny sucking in his breath, and can’t help but smile. He had made Johnny, the normally confident man, speechless. Jaehyun preens as he giggles, but the next second finds himself gasping as Johnny pulls him in even tighter.

“...you’re going to be the death of me, Jeong Jaehyun.”

Johnny’s breath feels hot on Jaehyun’s shoulders, and Jaehyun can’t help but laugh.

“My eyes are only, and forever only for you, John.”

❝ ❞

Jaehyun wakes up to the sound of waves crashing and soft jazz music in the background.

It takes him a second to remember where they are - a villa that Johnny had rented. The elder has suddenly appeared at Jaehyun’s filming set on the last day, thanked all the staff and cast before Jaehyun was able to, and whisked him off in his car.

“It’s time to celebrate! You finished filming your first film, Jaehyun-ah! We need to celebrate!” The elder had dramatically cried, and all Jaehyun could do was shake his head and laugh.

He hears soft footsteps again and smiles - he knows Johnny brought his huge totoro slippers with him, and he had also bought matching ones for Jaehyun. Jaehyun howled with laughter when Johnny suddenly pulled out a matching pair from behind his back, as soon as they reached the villa.

Jaehyun keeps his eyes closed, wishing the moment could last forever. He loves his job, his members, and could not be more thankful for all the fans who endlessly love and support him. But to be here, with Johnny. He wishes it could last forever.

He feels Johnny’s large body hover over him, and before he can open his eyes, hears the click of Johnny’s camera.

“I know you’re awake, Jeong.” The elder says teasingly, as he continues to click away. Jaehyun smiles, lazily opening his eyes to see the elder holding a camera, his latest edition to his neverending camera collection.

“You know you can’t use these, right? For your next photo exhibit.” Jaehyun says as Johnny plops next to him on the bed. Johnny sighs, dramatic as ever, as he cards his fingers through the younger’s hair.

“I know, I know. I’ll probably have other photos of you though - one’s Mark can see without gawking in public.” Jaehyun laughs at the image of Mark yelling at Johnny for hanging photos of Jaehyun in bed.

“You’ll be there, right? This time, you’re going to come?” Johnny asks, a faint of anxiousness present in his voice. Jaehyun smiles as he brings his heavy arms to the elder’s neck and breathes in the heavenly scent of his lover.

“Of course, hyung. I’ll be there, by your side. I’ll bring you sunflowers everyday, too.”

Johnny laughs, and Jaehyun joins in. He loves this - loves Johnny, loves how bright his laughter sounds as it echoes through his body. He loves him.

They part for a little, and Jaehyun stares into the warm brown eyes he has found home in. Johnny smiles and gazes back lovingly. They drink each other in, peacefully in silence.

_My eyes are only for you._

**Author's Note:**

> I cried like four times while writing this fic, and cried another two times editing it. 
> 
> Biggest thanks to Frans for providing me with memes and constantly hyping me up throughout this emotional turmoil. Without you and the photos you send me of your fabulous sketches and adorable kitty, I wouldn't have finished this fic. Thank you, thank you, thank you <3
> 
> And to Chanel, because I wouldn't have come up with some of the scenes if it wasn't for you! Thank you always for being so supportive, and I could not be more grateful for your existence ;')
> 
> Comments and kudos make my day :) Come find me on twitter! I mostly only ever talk about Johnny and johnjae
> 
> [twitter!](https://twitter.com/143jnjh)  
> [curious cat!](https://curiouscat.qa/143jnjh)


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